Why do we marry our parents? Is it possible to recognize the traits we’d rather live without and find a partner that breaks the negative cycle?
“…But, no matter what their conscious intentions, most people are attracted to mates who have their caretakers’ positive and negative traits, and, typically, the negative traits are more influential.” ~ Gabor Maté. “Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder.”
Do you really want to marry your parents? Consider all the traits you’ve grown to recognize in the people who raised you, both good and bad. After living with those traits for so many years, do you truly want to continue experiencing them?
When I read this quote, I understood the reasoning behind it. We crave love from the people around us, especially the person raising us. When there are obstacles preventing us from receiving love from someone, we consciously or unconsciously work towards getting what we want.
When we look for relationships and longterm partners, we’re unconsciously drawn to those who illicit these familiar feelings – the good and the bad. We desire the love we may have never received from the person raising us.
In becoming aware of this idea, I started to consider if that’s something I want to happen. Do I really want to marry a person who, even with all their amazing traits also expresses those that bother me most? Honestly, no I don’t think I do.
I think becoming aware of how relationships play out in this way allows you to prevent future heartache and conflict. If you can determine the traits of your parents you would rather live without, you can recognize them in others. From there you can make a conscious choice to continue the relationship or determine it’s not worth the eventual grievances.
Becoming aware allows you to make better decisions. If there is a trait in your parent that drove you mad all your life, don’t start a relationship with someone who will continue the negative cycle. Awareness gives you more control in your relationships and allows you to form healthier ones.
You no longer have to subject yourself to relationships full of tension. You no longer have to deal with a person’s traits that drive you mad. You’re now aware of this unconscious draw to particular people and you have the choice to break the cycle.
Demand the best for yourself. You deserve happiness, love, and relationships that build you up. Don’t marry your parents.
December 12, 2022
