Imagine Waldo in the midst of an existential crisis. In an attempt to rediscover himself, he picks up one of his books and scans the pages. He looks at every little detail, hoping that one will teach him who he is. Every person, every random item, every color, every animal, all the distraction upon the page does nothing but complicate his own self-discovery. Eventually he may find the image of himself, but what good does it do? He’ll only be reminded of his stripes and glasses, but who is he? Why is he within the pages of this book at all?
Each of us is searching for glimpses of ourselves in nouns. The people, places, and things that surround us. These externals to which we attach ourselves as a way to replicate meaning. We feel a sense of purpose in what we do, in our connections with people, our jobs, morals, values, hobbies, affiliations… The more we surround ourselves with, the harder it is to find ourselves.
In this blog I’ll share my perspective on finding purpose and meaning. For a long time, I searched for meaning, for quick fixes to my emotions, and tried squeezing purpose out of everything I did like a wet rag. Eventually I realized I was doing the process in reverse.
As always, I don’t have all the answers, but I hope my expedition to try finding them in my life inspires you to start the search in your own.
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Non-Synthetic Existence
I seek a non-synthetic existence, an enjoyment of life presenting itself from within. When I lose my way, when I feel a sense of meaninglessness or confusion, I don’t look outside of myself any longer. For a long time, I did. When my soul searched for answers, felt the weight of my own existence, and searched for meaning, but didn’t know where to look, I tried finding relief.
I clung to relationships to prove I was someone who cared, someone who was thoughtful, could put another person first, someone who could empathize and help, someone who was good at fixing things. I used relationships to prove I was someone.
When I needed a sense of purpose, I funneled my energy into side hustles. There was a desire to create something larger than myself, to help other people achieve their dreams, help other people find their way. While the goal was well-intentioned, the energy source powering its operation was flawed. Like a body needs energy to run properly. Consuming candy, fast food, and soda will keep everything in motion, but a more optimal fuel source exists. One that not only powers the system, but improves its functioning. The endeavors weren’t something purposeful, they were something I needed to do to find purpose. The chain of operations was reversed.
Purpose is not found in other things, it is expressed through the things you do. You do not feel a sense of purpose by doing things, the things you do come from a necessity to share your purpose. It is not reading as a way to find meaning, but knowing there’s meaning and understanding reading is one of the ways that helps you express that meaning.
Purpose comes from within. Once you know your purpose, you then find the best ways to live it and share it.
Semi-Sweet Wine
The person I am, the habits I pursue, the words I write flow out of me like an uncorked bottle of wine. I spent a long time trying to pull the cork out, to allow the semi-sweet liquid of my existence to spill into the glasses of the people around me.
It’s not easy to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew. I tried jamming knives through, I held lighters along the neck of the bottle, I placed the bottle in a shoe and slammed it upon the wall, I tried pushing the cork in, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t pour the wine.
First, I needed to realize there was wine inside, then to understand what was stopping it from coming out, to know I wanted to pour it, and finally, to locate the right tool. I wasn’t sure what tool I was looking for, so I think there’s something to be said about trying unique methods, but the process will never be as easy as when you find the right tool. Sometimes you get lucky and a few drops come forth, but it is only a taste. Sometimes the cork is jammed in and you can experience the wine, but it’s never pure, there’s always a faint taste of cork.
I spent a long time focused on understanding the vessel itself, not what was inside it. There was an awareness of something inside, something that was likely worthwhile if it was bound in so tightly. Instead of trying every tool under the sun, I removed those I knew were not the right fit.
The corkscrew, for me, was the simplification of my life. There was a sudden and drastic alteration of my life, habits, and vices. A hard reboot. No more social media, no more drinking, no nicotine, no romantic relationships, a simplistic paleo diet, a strict workout routine, and a lot of boredom. When I had nothing but the basics, the process became simpler.
Step one was cleaning the bottle, removing all the dust, dirt, and grime built up over the years spent in the cellar. This was my healing journey. From the moment I read the book on anxious attachment, I started looking at my childhood trauma, my old wounds, and inauthentic traits. After removing the distractions, it was just me, my thoughts, my emotions, and what they were trying to teach me. It took time and a lot of scrubbing to make the bottle shine, but once it did, I noticed the label. The description of the contents showed me the goal. Finally I understood the depth and complexity of flavor and I wanted nothing more than to experience it.
Some of those activities I used to perform stuck around after I eventually opened the bottle. My blog writing, my love of reading, sharing thoughts on tik tok and instagram, and painting all became something new. They were no longer being used as tools to try releasing who I was, but as glasses to hold my true nature. My philosophy, my Stoic nature was no longer something to force, but a clear and natural aim. I finally understood what virtue looked like in my life and I wanted to achieve it in every moment – not because I thought it’d give me purpose, but because my purpose told me Stoicism was right.
Is simplifying your life the key to discovering your own purpose? I have no way of knowing. Each of us is responsible for understanding our own vessel, the contents inside, the right tool for releasing them, and the proper utensils for holding them once they’re out. While I can’t say for sure what will help you discover yourself, I’m almost certain the answers are not found in vices and distractions.
Final Thoughts
It can be frightening to feel the weight of existence, to realize the chaotic nature of the world around you, to experience all these emotions and not know what to do with them. I’m guilty of seeking the quick fixes, but I now understand they are only bandaids for an amputation. They don’t solve anything, they only postpone the same feelings and thoughts.
Alcohol, nicotine, and weed were numbing agents. Television, social media, business ventures, and social gatherings were distractions. These things gave the impression of understanding myself, when in reality, they were attaching my sense of self to externals. If someone asked me who I was, I could easily share a list of things I enjoyed, some habits I performed, and character traits, but they weren’t the full depth of my true self.
When an intense emotion hits, don’t run to the nearest and quickest “fix”. Sit with it and ask yourself, “What is so bad about this moment that I feel a desire to change it?” Loneliness doesn’t need you to phone a friend and make plans, it needs you understand why it’s so scary for you to be alone with yourself. Anger doesn’t need you to throw things, slam doors, and scream. Anger needs you figure out why you have such an unhealthy attachment to this moment and why you desire some other outcome. Sadness doesn’t want to be numbed, it wants you to help show you where you can improve your life.
All the answers can be found inside you. Trying to find them in externals only distracts you from what you already know. Once you remember who you really are, you rediscover your purpose. When you have your purpose, You easily find the right places to live it.
Instead of searching for himself within the pages of his book, Waldo decided to look in the mirror. He saw the person staring back at him, a stranger with familiar face. He felt the immense depth of this person’s being and wanted nothing more than to learn more about him. So as he looked into his own eyes, he started to remember why he became Waldo in the first place and why he ever needed other people to help him find himself.
May 17, 2026
