This blog started with a question: How can I hold the same belief as Mike?
Mike is my coworker who, even after a hectic shift, was able to say with the utmost authenticity, “This job is awesome”. Meanwhile, I’m sweating my ass off, covered in coffee grounds, on the verge of collapsing from mental exhaustion, and frustrated as hell. How can Mike think like that and how can I do the same?
This week was spent pondering beliefs – what they are, how they form, false versus true beliefs, objective truths, and if it’s possible to change your beliefs. While the jury of my mind is still out on whether or not objective truth and moral relativism exist, I may be one step closer to believing in God (but that’s for another blog).
This blog will focus on my current definition of a belief and how they’re formed. The main point being that each of us has the ability to change our beliefs. We are not stuck believing the things another person instilled in us. If one person holds a belief you’d like to hold, it is absolutely possible for you to do so.
As always, I don’t have all the answers, but I hope my expedition to try finding them in my life inspires you to start the search in your own.
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Beliefs and How They’re Formed
A belief is something you hold to be true based on proof. A belief can become so ingrained in your being that it’s able to guide your actions.
Beliefs are formed through repetition. They start simply, after a single moment, then if repeatedly validated, they solidify in the mind.
As a simple example: children believe in Santa. They are shown images, movies, and stories about Santa, then gifts miraculously appear Christmas morning. Kids are shown all the proof they need to believe, so their belief guides their actions. They start writing Christmas lists, taking care of their Elf on the Shelf, and being good because Santa is watching.
Beliefs about self-worth are more complex, but the structure is the same. In a moment of emotion, a child cries out, hoping a parent will come to their aid. The parent dismisses the child’s tears. The child will likely be confused, but subconsciously questions their actions, emotions, and value in the eyes of their parents. If this is the only time the parent disregards the child’s sadness, the belief that their tears don’t matter will dissipate because it won’t be founded on proof. Unfortunately, the pattern usually repeats and the belief grows stronger. The child finds that only certain actions receive love and affection from their parents while other actions receive this dismissal. This is the basis behind wounds and beliefs of self-worth, value, self-esteem, and healthy relationships. “I cannot act how I feel is right for me. I must act in certain ways to gain the approval, love, and attention from the people closest to me.”
These beliefs guide the child’s actions as they grow up. When emotions arise, they learn to hide them, isolate themselves, act out, etc. In romantic relationships, they may experience anxiety when their partner goes silent or feel smothered when their partner is always around. They may self-sabotage relationships because they don’t subconsciously remind them of their relationship to their parents. Any number of childhood patterns, formed beliefs, and corresponding actions are possible. It’s each of our responsibilities to determine our own.
Every belief starts from a single moment and each time it is offered proof, it’s strengthened, each time it’s questioned, distress ensues.
The Challenge of Believing
A challenge of beliefs is the ability to find proof of any belief you hold. When I believed I didn’t deserve a healthy relationship, I’d find myself in tumultuous ones. My belief of not being worthy of love found proof in every interaction that didn’t go well, every time I didn’t get the phone number or date, and every dismissal of my emotions. At my lowest point, my belief of not deserving peace and joy proved itself in my sadness, my isolation, my poor habits, and lack of energy. Every day, I’d go to work and be overwhelmed by ignorance, rudeness, and inconsideration because I believed people were selfish.
Until I realized I had the ability to believe whatever I wanted. Mike showed me that if one person holds a genuine, non-forced belief, I can just as easily hold the same one.
This was similar to my turning point with Stoicism. I’d read the works of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus thinking, “Damn, why can’t I see the world like that?”. I understood the concept behind their ideas, and sometimes there were moments when I could act in the same ways as them, but the beliefs were never mine. As I’m writing this, it’s different, because I found ways to see proof of their beliefs, the beliefs I wanted to hold, in my day to day life, until I genuinely believed them.
Mike developed this belief about work by going to war. He said every job is better than getting randomly shipped off and shot at. I did not want to join the Army, but I wanted to think like him.
It became a daily practice of aligning my impressions so that I could see the job in a better light. When my brain searched for reasons to be upset, I’d catch it and focus on just doing the job to the best of my ability. I had to remove my opinions and just do the task. As I continued to focus solely on doing my job the way I believed it should be done, with calm, confidence, and accuracy, I started enjoying my time there more. I wasn’t worried about cranking out drinks or staying on top of every little side task, I was joking with coworkers and chatting with customers while I let 6 years of muscle memory make the drinks.
Why would anyone want to believe they were unworthy of love or healthy relationships if they knew they had a choice to believe the opposite.
I remember last November when I decided to go to the gym and walk 6 days a week, no questions asked. My laziness was being dictated by my anxiety and sadness, but I knew I had to start taking care of myself again. After 3 months of forced discipline, my beliefs about myself did a full 180. I started seeing all the unique qualities about myself and began enjoying my own company. Before I knew what I was doing, I tricked my brain into seeing proof of the belief I wanted to hold – that I was worthy of love and care. All I needed to do was love and care for myself until my brain caught on.
Adjusting Beliefs
You are not required to believe everything someone else does, even if you admire them. Each of us is responsible for defining what it means to be a good person, a loving partner, a healthy parent, a valuable employee, a friend, etc. No one can tell you what it means for you to be these things, they can only tell you what it means to them.
I’ve noticed how often I question my own beliefs. Seemingly every interaction I have with another person reaffirms or challenges a belief of mine. That’s incredibly beneficial for my growth and wisdom.
There are definitions in my mind of what a Stoic is, what a good man is, what a secure relationship looks like, and what I believe peace is, but none of them are set in stone. I’m always open to admitting I’m wrong, so I always seek more insight, more opinions, more beliefs.
Every person holds their own beliefs and I’m open to hearing them. There are times when they voice something and a strange feeling lights up in my stomach, telling me I think differently, but I don’t argue with them, I try to understand how it formed, then reflect later. There are times when I act as I believe a Stoic should, but the consequences of my actions are undesirable – I feel regret, another person vocalizes how my action affected them, and I ruminate on my decision- but I learn from it and I try something different the next time.
This is where I need to be as honest with myself as possible. I need to reflect on all my choices to see if they were out of impulse or rationality, then see the results of my choices and decide if they brought peace or more distress, and constantly adjust my definitions and beliefs.
I know there are people out there who will say they feel at peace after responding to someone’s rudeness with anger. They’ll claim they had to stand up for themselves. There are people who’ll claim they don’t need to regard the emotions of other people because they believe a person should be able to take a hit. These beliefs and similar ones are difficult for me to fathom. I find it hard to believe a person could feel peace – the absence of distress or intent to harm – when they respond with anger or treat someone as less than them.
I want to believe people are inherently good and these negative beliefs about the world and other people were instilled in us by someone who didn’t know they had a choice. I want to believe if they knew better, they’d do better, so I seek proof. Every day, I strive to treat everyone with respect, to respond with calmness, offer kindness when it sounds like they’re hurting, and understand why they believe the things they do. All of this is my way of showing that it’s possible to look anger in the face and be kind, it’s possible to have fun in a chaotic environment, and a person can genuinely believe peace is possible.
If I believe it, so can you.
September 27, 2026
