I’ve learned a lot over the past 29 years, although I mainly discuss my past two years of growth. The lessons learned, beliefs adjusted, and habits built in the past couple years would not have been possible if not for all the years prior. Change happens slowly, with intentional focus. Foundations are built, understanding is acquired, wisdom is gained, and most importantly, mistakes are made.
My life has been a pursuit towards being a good person. There are a lot of people to thank for my progress, but there are a few who stand above the rest. From each, I learned many important lessons on what it means to be good. This blog will share a few of those lessons.
The distinction between good, bad, right, and wrong starts with a feeling. An action that evokes a negative emotion within me must be a wrong or bad action on their part. Similarly, if their action evokes a positive emotion within me, it must be good. I’ll touch on this more when discussing my parents.
While at first my beliefs of being good were based on how I felt, Stoicism and Existentialism showed me that was only half the equation. Now, I’d say in order to be a good person, one must acknowledge the feelings of other people as well. I’ll explore this more as I share additional thoughts on the two philosophies that taught me this.
Being good and doing what’s right are not easily defined – the past two weeks trying to write this have shown me that. This blog will only scratch the surface of my morals and ethics, and my thoughts may change or expand with time, but the attempt is what I care about. So for now, here are my beliefs on what it means to be a good person, how I learned these lessons, and how I continue learning.
As always, I don’t have all the answers, but I hope my expedition to try finding them in my life encourages you to start the search in your own.
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Thanks to my Parents
My parents are to thank for a lot of my habits, perspectives, and beliefs surrounding being a good person. It would be tough to write all of it in one blog, so the following will be a few key beliefs I learned from them.
Growing up, I watched how my parents acted in all sorts of situations, much like any child does. Certain choices they made left positive impressions while others left scars. Both became lessons on what it means to be good.
The past year was spent healing those scars and seeing my parents’ choices as mistakes instead of reflections of their true character. I’ve always believed they were good people, but there were moments from my past that clouded my ability to see that clearly. I hold no resentment towards them and I don’t wish to change the past. All of it formed the foundation for who I am today.
From my parents I learned kindness. To be good is to be kind, not just to some, but to everyone. Kindness offers people the benefit of the doubt, second chances, and the choice to change if they’ve made a mistake. I learned this by watching my parents interact with the people around us. Everyone they spoke to was treated with the same level of respect as the next person. They were always kind to whoever was around, no matter what was going on behind the scenes. I saw this and felt in my heart it was the right way to act.
They also taught me generosity. Not only through charitable actions, but simple acts of service whenever possible. They were always there to help, to pick me up, take me to appointments, work through obstacles, and support however they could. This wasn’t only reserved for my sister and me, they offered the same generosity to everyone. If they could find a way to be there for other people, they would be. Watching them do so encouraged me to follow in their footsteps. I strive to help others where I can and support them in their pursuits. Every day I try improving my ability to help others on the individual level, with their unique scenarios, personal triggers, and goals.
As a final example for the time being, my parents taught me that to be good meant to never let my temper stand in the way of doing what’s right. Anger is never the answer, no matter how badly it wants you to believe it is. Losing my temper never solved my problems or gave me what I needed. If I felt I had been wronged in some way, my words had to be the vehicle for expressing how I felt. I’ve struggled with anger my entire life, but I saw the damage it could do to myself and others, so I’ve always known it had to be within my control if I was to be good to myself and others.
There are so many more things I could share, but those stood out most as I formulated the idea for this blog. My parents prepared me for the world and put me on a path towards being good. While I learned a lot from them, there was still a long way to go. That’s where Stoicism enteres the picture.
Thanks to Stoicism
From the Stoics I’ve learned the importance of proper focus and intentional control. To be a better man, I must know what a “better man” looks like, observe where improvements can be made, and stay on top of my emotions and their impulses.
Perfection is not what I’m striving for because I don’t believe it exists. There won’t come a day when I’m done – no more emotions, no more impulses, utter peace in every moment. There will always be something more and I’m at peace with that.
Stoicism gave me their blueprint for being virtuous. Every action is to be committed with Courage, Temperance, Justice, and Wisdom. My job has been to determine what that means in my life.
What often stalled my progress was my attempt to live as the Stoics did in their lives, but I wasn’t living my life Stoically. Marcus Aurelius was an Emperor living in a drastically different period of history. Epictetus was a slave for the majority of his life. Seneca was a senator, an advisor, and exiled for crimes he likely didn’t commit. Each of these people and every Stoic who has existed lived a unique life. It’s not about following the career path as them, it’s about embodying their beliefs in whatever field you’re in.
I make coffee for a living. As far as I know, there aren’t any classic works written by ancient Stoic baristas. There is no direct advice out there for how virtue looks in my life, only the structure of what virtue is. For me to define these components of virtue and embody them requires vigilance. Every day I attempt to act as I believe a Stoic should, as a good person should. With each action I receive feedback upon which I reflect and learn from (more on this in the following section).
There is a lot of responsibility involved in this endeavor, but the attempt has brought me freedom and peace. If I am to be good, nothing can sneak past my radar. This is where the other main component of Stoicism comes in – control what is within your control.
I’ve been defining emotions as the meaning placed upon a chemical reaction. This meaning we apply is what the Stoics call an impression. Impressions are within our control. There are also habitual responses to emotions. These actions, which are typically unconscious, are impulses and also within our control.
Impressions and our habitual responses are the only two things within our control, so that is where our focus must lie.
A good person does not sometimes allow emotion to choose his movement. I do not believe in the idea of anger at the right times, at the right people, in the right amounts. Who decides those rights? If I am to be good, there is no right time to let anger express itself impulsively. There is no right time for any emotion to blur my ability to see reason and make my attempt to act virtuously. You are allowed to feel emotions, but the following action must be chosen with the utmost care.
A person who loses their control can be good, but someone who knows they’re doing so and continues to do so will never be great.
Thanks to Existentialism
Philosophers like Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and Sarte showed me the depth and complexity of my own being. Their ideas on emotions, subjectivity, and choice encouraged me to look inwards. By doing so, I began working towards a greater sense of empathy towards others.
Existentialism helps me use what I’m learning from Stoicism and take it a step further. Through Stoicism, my focus shifted towards the control of my emotional impulses. Existentialism allowed me to better understand the emotions that try to dictate my decisions. After reading On Anxiety by Kierkegaard, I was in awe. He was able to take this emotion and define it to such great lengths, understand its greater purpose, and use it to promote his own faith. I couldn’t help feeling a desire to try for myself.
This work and many others altered the questions I was asking myself. My emotions became a signal, a spotlight shining upon a part of my being that needed attention. Feeling anxiety meant my mind was trying to make a choice too soon. Anger showed me where my impressions were flawed. Sadness told me I wasn’t taking proper care of myself. Fear told me there were things I needed to do, but not at once, slowly, with caution. I learned how to start listening to myself and realized how long I had been ignoring the signals.
This additional depth to my own understanding allowed me to empathize with others much more readily. This complexity wasn’t something unique to me. Each of us has emotions, beliefs, and impulses. The specific creation of each of these may be unique to us, but their formation is similar. Our impressions, beliefs, and habits are built over time, through proof of usefulness, and out of necessity. We are all doing what we think is right in this sense.
Through introspection I learned to be a good person requires acknowledgement of other people’s feelings and needs. My emotions and impulses were often responses of childhood tendencies. There was no thought behind them, they were just feeling, thought, impulse. It’s taken extensive inquiry to discover why I place these meanings upon external events, why I respond to emotions in certain ways, and honesty with myself about if this is how I want to think and act.
It has not been an easy process and I’m nowhere near done. I’m fortunate enough to have a significant amount of free time to do this self-reflection. Without the responsibilities of owning a business, being married, having children, and being consumed by other distractions, I’m able to sit with myself, think about these things, and work on them. I know not everyone has that luxury and because of that, I try to have patience.
As Marcus Aurelius said, be strict with yourself and lenient with others. Maybe they’re on a similar journey as me and they made a simple mistake. I’ve done it and will continue to do so.
There’s an understanding of how easily my emotions can be triggered and now I realize it’s likely the same for everyone. This knowledge inspires me to do everything I can to evoke positive emotions in others or at least not negative ones.
When I make a choice, I observe the responses and base my continued growth off that. If I make a joke, share a story or piece of advice, or ask someone a question and I notice an emotional response in them, I question my actions. I ask myself why they may have reacted the way they did and if there could’ve been a better way for me to say the same thing, or if it would’ve been better left unsaid. I’m aware I am not responsible for the reactions of other people, but I believe there are distinctly more or less emotion triggering ways to speak with others.
This can be as simple as saying “You should…” versus “Have you tried…?”. When people tell me I should do something, I feel reluctant and slightly frustrated because I want to make my own choices and often already know I don’t want to do the thing they’re suggesting. The second one opens a dialog and we can work together to figure out the best path by understanding what I’ve already tried or considered.
I think it works similarly with every interaction. I go into it with the intention of being good, but if I see I’ve triggered something within them, I wonder if my choice was as good as it could’ve been. Then once I ponder it, I try something different. My aim is to have both sides feel heard and seen, so our needs can be met.
Final Thoughts
There is no way for me to say with certainty that I am a good person or that I’m doing what is right. As much as I like to believe I am good and making the right choices, there’s no guarantee.
There is likely no “right” action. There is only the constant pursuit towards finding it. Right action does not mean perfection, it means attempting to do what is right, not only for you, but for others, then seeing what happens.
While it may not be possible to say what is right, it is easier to determine what is not. If you’re striving to be a good person or to be better, it takes complete honesty with yourself. Constant observation of your choices, your emotions, and the responses from the world around you are necessary if you want to improve your chances of being good. Your actions will trigger emotions and thoughts within you, don’t ignore them. Your actions will also impact other people. Don’t ignore them either.
To be good is to try to be good. You will make mistakes, your intentions may be misread, your beliefs may be challenged, and it won’t be easy, but if it’s something you truly want, it’s all worth it.
Like Sarte says, a painting can only be judged once it is complete. Every day, you are a work in progress. One day this will all come to an end and your painting will be finished. Until that day comes, make something beautiful with your life.
October 18, 2026
