I’ve gained awareness of moments when I grow angry. What is it about those situations that propel me to defend myself or fight back? What makes specific topics lead to an emotional response when other things bounce right off me? It seems like my ego is what’s getting in my way.
It’s in moments when I feel attacked that I need to defend – obviously – but why do I feel attacked? There is something about specific topics, phrasings, and points of views that draw the negativity out of me. I’m trying to look deeper into the reactions and discover why they’re happening.
One instance is seeing a tik tok of someone doing or saying something absurd or nonsensical but still receiving thousands of likes and comments. I see a video like this and it pisses me off. Instead of scrolling past, I wonder why that elicited such strong emotions. With deeper consideration I realize it struck my ego, one of my insecurities.
As someone who creates content that tries to inspire people, but receives few views, makes it hard to see a pointless video with millions of views. It strikes this chord in my mind making me feel like I’m wasting my time and energy. Do people really care about what I’m saying or would people rather watch content with no purpose other than quick entertainment?
This practice of looking deeper into these instances can shed light on your insecurities, desires, and hopes. Looking deeper can help you adjust your focus towards the things you personally need to pay attention to.
There’s some reason you respond defensively to some things but not others. Figuring out what these things are and why you do can teach you a lot about yourself. The hard part is preventing your ego from obscuring your logical thoughts and responses.
My hope is that by bringing awareness to these ego-attacks, I can more easily catch them and prevent them from causing the emotional response. I can discover what triggers me, why it does so, and how I can overcome that insecurity or work on that desire.
With my above example, I can realize I feel unheard, like my ideas don’t matter and I can work on changing the narrative in my head. Instead of desiring more views, I can be grateful for the ones I receive. I can continue working on sharing my ideas in different ways to see what sticks. With enough time and repetition of a positive inner dialogue, it’ll become second nature. My ego will no longer feel attacked because I’ll realize there’s a place for my content just like there’s a place for their content.
Try paying attention to the words and events that draw negativity out of you. What do these moments tell you about yourself? Once you discover your deepest insecurities, you can work towards overcoming them.
January 24, 2023
