You know that feeling you get when you’re going to do something, someone then tells you to do that thing, now you don’t want to do that thing? For instance, this morning, I was going to do the dishes, my mom then asked me to do the dishes, then I no longer wanted to do the dishes.
An experience like this relates to our human need for autonomy, our desire to feel like we’re making our own choices. When we do things because we want to, especially “good” things, we feel a greater sense of autonomy. An increase in our sense of autonomy is linked to our happiness and well-being. When someone tells us to do something, we’re stripped of our ability to choose for ourselves. Now, doing the action feels like an obligation and no longer an expression of our identity.
When we do something on our own accord, we’re showing who we are as an individual. Our choice to help someone carry their groceries, our choice to clean up after ourselves, and every other choice is a reflection of our character. When we’re told to do something, it’s no longer proof of who we are, it only shows our level of responsibility towards authority.
What about when there is no external authority, who’s in charge then? When no one is there to tell you what to do or who to be, you can do anything and be anyone. This autonomy is freedom. This ability to become our own authority figure (or not) determines the choices we make and why. We can be as strict with ourselves or as lackadaisical as we desire.
The key point I’d like to focus on here is choice. When you become your own authority figure, every action becomes a choice. The more lax you are with your actions, the less each individual choice matters to you. The more strict you are, the more intentional and deliberate each choice becomes.
Does being more strict with yourself or easy going lead to higher levels of happiness and sense of well-being? Personally, with more control and awareness of my habits and choices, I’ve found greater sense of purpose, identity, and clarity. I cannot share a subjective account on the benefits, or lack thereof, of the opposite.
In this blog, I’ll share my current thoughts on autonomy, becoming your own authority figure, and turning your unconscious habits into conscious choices. I want you to become the most authentic version of yourself and taking back control of your habits can be a beneficial step in that direction.
As always, I don’t have all the answers, but I hope my expedition to try finding them in my life inspires you to start the search in your own. If you enjoy this blog and would like to support, I’d greatly appreciate it!
The Happy Life
Aristotle says, “The happy life is thought to be one of excellence; now an excellent life requires exertion and does not consist in amusement. If Eudaimonia, or happiness, is activity in accordance with excellence, it is reasonable that it should be in accordance with the best within us.” There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s get into it.
Excellence is defined as “The quality of being outstanding or extremely good.” Now, I think excellence is defined more specifically in each of our lives. We can all be excellent in our own ways depending on our true nature. There are things we’ll each be drawn to and averse to depending on this nature and these must be the focus of our life. To be “outstanding” to me means you’re different than the average – there are skills or qualities about you not found within many others. My nature strives to be outstanding in my philosophy, my ability to control my impulses, build discipline, and act virtuously.
“…an excellent life requires exertion…” Exertion is physical or mental effort. Effort is the important part of this definition. Effort is active, not passive. It requires no effort to act on impulses and instinct – every animal born into this world can act in this way and it requires no capacity for thought. Humans, whether we like it or not, have this capacity for rational thought. While we too can act impulsively, it requires no exertion other than energy. Exertion implies an active movement dictated by choice.
“…and does not consist in amusement.” Now, this is a tough part of the quote. A whole book could be written on the topic of amusement – what it is, how much is “ok”, what activities are considered harmless, and which should be avoided. Amusement is necessary for life, in my eyes. Much like with anything, moderation and control is required. Amusement in the sense of enjoying time with friends and family, exploring hobbies, and traveling is a beneficial part of life. It’s all a matter of managing your desires, not overdoing it, and being able to return to a routine when amusement concludes.
To be excellent is to take action towards becoming the best version of yourself. This is for you to define through your habits, morals, and values. Your life is your responsibility. Your true nature can only be discovered by you and it is shown to the world through every choice you make. It takes deliberate, intentional action in every moment to act according to your nature and be aligned with who you are. Until your unconscious choices are brought to your attention, your alignment will be skewed and your excellence will not be discovered.
Taking Responsibility
How does one become their own authority figure, take responsibility for their actions, and work towards full alignment? Like most habits, it starts with a choice to work on it, a lot of patience, self awareness, and compassion. Every decision is important if you want to be aligned and find confidence in who you are.
As an example of no impulse control and lack of authority, here’s how the thought process looks for me. I see chocolate, I feel a gut response, I think “I want that”, I eat the chocolate. This is the textbook process of acting on impulse. There is no exertion on my part, there’s no rational thought, there is only emotion and impulse. What does the opposite look like?
The process is exactly the same, but there’s an added step. After I think “I want that”, I ask myself “Is that a good idea?” My gut will almost always tell me no because my true nature is one of discipline and an emphasis on healthy choices.
If you’d like to take full control and responsibility of your life and habits, start turning every action into a choice. By taking it that step further and asking “Should I do this?” you’re no longer at the whim of your impulses, now it’s a choice. When you choose to do the unhealthy thing or act out of anger/anxiety/pleasure, you can’t blame anyone or anything other than yourself because you made the choice.
This may come off as harsh and potentially quite difficult and I know there are a lot of “what ifs” to overcome. This is incredibly difficult, I won’t lie or sugarcoat it. The ability to ask yourself the question, making it your choice, then being able to act in the healthy and rational way takes time and effort. The muscle is trained and built just like any other. Start with the easy stuff and you’ll quickly realize how many choices you actually have.
I started with impulses of pleasure like reaching for sweets and checking my phone’s notifications. It took time to become fully aware of each time I reached for the candy or my phone, once I did, I added the additional question to make it a conscious choice. In the beginning, there was a lot of back and forth in my mind – my rational brain fighting my body’s impulses. Basically, I had to convince myself not to do something, over and over, until finally my impulse gave up.
More recently, I’ve been working on this process with my more challenging impulses of anger and desire. The steps follow the same path – a line forms at work, I feel a gut response (old patterns repeating), angry thoughts enter my mind (old learned ideas), then I could either act on this anger or take it a step further and make myself responsible. Slowly, I’m gaining more control over these impulses and realizing which choice is more aligned with who I want to be.
Final Thoughts
An important part of a happy life is having a sense of autonomy – being able to make choices for your own life. With added independence as you get older, you lose external authority figures. When this happens, you become your own and it becomes your job to keep yourself in check. For a lot of people, it doesn’t feel like they have much choice in life. Actions are dictated by habit, thoughts are constantly flowing and we have no control of them, and life happens to us.
I’m here to say you have a lot more choice than you think. There are a lot of habits within your realm of control, you just need to bring them to consciousness. To become a more authentic version of yourself, your habits and your choices should make sense. When you do something, you should be able to think “I do that because I’m…” For example, I don’t check my phone every few minutes because I’m building focus and don’t act out of anxiety. Doing the opposite would not make much sense for who I am and who I’m trying to be.
You make tons of choices every day and I’m guessing most of them don’t even cross your mind. I say this because I’ve noticed how many things I do without thinking about them. So, in an act of creating a happy life, I’m striving for excellence. My goal is to align my mind and body, to become outstanding in my control of my impulses, and be authentically me as often as possible. I’m doing this by taking responsibility for my habits and making everything I do a choice.
You have more control than you may believe. While you can’t control the world around you or other people, you can develop an ability to face life head on. You have the power to discover your true nature, to find alignment between your mind and body, and choose to act intentionally in every moment.
It’s not easy, but it’s immensely worth it. Start small and start noticing your habits. Before you go to act on a habit or an impulse, ask yourself if this is something you really want to do or need to do. With time and effort, you’ll bring your habits to your awareness, you’ll make all of them a choice, and you’ll take responsibility for your life.
April 12, 2026
