According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, common courtesy is defined as “politeness that people can usually be expected to show.”
Seems simple enough right? It’s just small acts of politeness towards other people to show you’re thinking of them and not just yourself. Small acts everyone should be performing as a way to help other people and make the world a little better.
Why does it feel like people can’t fathom common courtesy? Why is there such a disconnect between what one person does out of politeness and what someone else does? Is there a point at which a person is thinking too much about other people? A point where they become a pushover or overly passive?
This idea of common courtesy has been on my mind for a little while now. I’m curious about why for some, considering others is second nature, and yet there are others who don’t give a second thought. Or maybe they do consider others, but their decision leans towards their own personal gain. I’m not sure.
I’d also like to preemptively say,- that I don’t want this post to come off as boastful in any way. In thinking of this topic, I have a sense that my thoughts and explanation of my actions may sound like I’m stating, “My way is how everyone should act.”- That is not my intention at all.
When thinking about this, I’m just genuinely curious about how different people view common courtesy. All I can speak on is my own perspective of it. So if you think I’m full of shit, go ahead and tell me, because I’d like to hear other sides to the story.
Common Courtesy to Me
I’d like to think that I consider the effects that my actions have on others. I try to take other people into account when I make decisions because I don’t want to mess things up for anyone.
What I mean by this is that when I make smaller decisions for myself, ones that may have some impact on another person, I consider them as well and go from there.
I’ll give some examples from my past and discuss from there.
Common courtesy to me is when I have to take a shower, but I know my friend has work in an hour, so I wait until they shower, since they need to get in there more than me.
When it’s late at night and people are asleep– but I need to fill my water bottle, I don’t turn the hall lights or kitchen lights on, I use my flashlight and walk down quietly.
If someone is talking, whether in a group or a one-on-one situation, I wait until they’re done speaking. I don’t interrupt their train of thought.
If my friend is on a Zoom call, I turn down the volume on my phone, I don’t slam my water bottle on the table like I normally do, I don’t turn music on, or start rummaging around in the fridge.
Common courtesy goes beyond holding the door for someone. It’s more than saying “Please” and “Thank you–.”
To me it’s knowing when your actions may affect other people, however minor, and making an effort to consider that impact and lessen it. Common courtesy is taking the time to think about someone other than yourself and make the choices that get you what you originally intended while also not interfering with another person’s life.
Why Even Bother?
See, this is where I’m so torn. To me, doing these small acts and considering others before I do them doesn’t feel like I’m trying too hard to appease others. I don’t feel like I’m making my life harder by doing these things that the other person probably won’t notice or even realize I’m doing.
Which begs the question: Should I even bother being overly courteous to others if no one recognizes it? If other people don’t even realize I’m doing these things and they don’t do the same for me, why should I do it?
Personally, I believe in doing things without expectation. I’m a firm believer in making other people’s lives better or easier and being a good person without the initial thought of wanting them to give me something or help me in return.
I expect people not to care about my small acts. There’s never a doubt in my mind that people won’t realize how quiet I was while they were on Zoom or while they were asleep. I don’t expect people to notice how lightly I place my water down, how quietly I put my dishes away, or how I waited to shower.
But what people do notice is when you slam doors, blast your music, rummage around in the kitchen late at night, use the bathroom when they need it before work, etc.
People notice when you inconvenience them.
Think about a time when someone inconvenienced you. How did you feel when they were being too loud when all you wanted was some quiet? What did you want to do when that person turned all the lights on and made a bunch of noise when all you wanted to do was sleep?
What could that person have done differently?
Take a few seconds to actually think about this. Think of some examples of when someone inconvenienced you and what you wish they would’ve done instead.
…
Yeah, exactly. So why the hell don’t we do those things for other people?
We have the answers. We know what we should be doing yet, we rarely do them.
Can Everyone Show Common Courtesy?
Is there some trait, some emotion, some gene that courteous people have that others don’t? What is it that makes a person consider other people?
This is where my poor vocabulary will fail me. Is compassion the right word? Maybe it’s empathy.
I don’t know. Whatever it is–
I’m just curious about why it seems so easy for some people to show courtesy towards others while someone else doesn’t even think twice and does whatever is in their best interest.
Just to reiterate, my intention is not to call anyone out or make it sound like I’m saying courteous people are better than less courteous individuals. I’m genuinely curious about the disconnect in mindsets.
This conversation could probably branch off into a lot of others. Maybe common courtesy is a learned behavior. Maybe the individuals parents were very courteous and taught their child to be the same. Or the opposite situation in which the parents rarely considered others and the kid learned to do the same. Could someone grow up watching their parents always thinking about themselves and thus not want to be like them?
Maybe it takes some kind of life altering event like a diagnosis, an accident, or something else that opens the person’s eyes and makes them think of others.
Or maybe it’s all genetic. We can’t control it,– and we were just born this way.
In thinking about it while writing this, the latter of which doesn’t make sense. There has to be some way to switch a person’s mindset and have them consider other people.
Honestly, I think it comes back to self awareness. Like so many other things in life, I believe knowing who you are and how you think and make decisions allows you to become more courteous.
If you can sit down with yourself and think about how you act in specific situations and then objectively decide whether your actions would be considered courteous or discourteous, you have the ability to change.
Step outside your body for a moment and look at a situation as though someone else lived it instead of you. Pretend the action you performed was done to you instead.
Say you were waiting for the elevator and as soon as the door opened, you walked in even though people were exiting. Now think about it as though you were one of the people in the elevator. What would you think about this random person getting in your way just so they can get in the elevator?
My dad and I always joked about this when we’d be at the hospital because without fail, someone would barge into the elevator when we’d be leaving it. It’s annoying as hell! It’s a minor inconvenience obviously, and- it won’t ruin our day, but just wait like five seconds for us to leave. That’s all it takes.
Now pretend you’re cooking dinner. You’ve got pots and pans on the stove, dishes in the sink, and utensils all over the counter. You’re rushing around trying to cook something and your friend comes down with a box of pasta to cook. What would you do? Keep cooking and let your friend figure it out?
Again, it’s a minor inconvenience that can be solved very easily. If you were the friend who just wanted to make pasta but couldn’t because the stove is covered with dirty pots and pans, what would you be thinking?
If it was me, I’d want the person cooking to move their dishes if they’re not using them. At least just move one so I can use a burner. Why should I be the one cleaning up after you just so I can make my own food?
So what could you do if you were the person with all the dishes?
Put the damn dishes somewhere so they’re not in the way!
Something so simple can save time and possible arguments from happening.
When performing actions that can affect other people, the outcome doesn’t have to be win-win, lose-lose, or win-lose. In the end, everyone can walk away the same as they started.
In my eyes, it’s better to perform the action that the other person probably won’t notice. They won’t notice because it’s unconsciously expected of you.
People won’t get hyped when you let them exit the elevator before you enter. They won’t give you a hug when you take the pans off the stove. Your friends and family won’t write poems about how much you mean to them because you used your flashlight to walk downstairs instead of the lights.
They will notice when you do the opposite. They’ll notice when you inconvenience them, however slightly. And maybe that one inconvenience won’t blow up into a whole argument. It’ll likely just slip out of their mind. But emotions can add up quickly and turn into something negative.
Emotional Bank Account
There’s this idea I read about called the Emotional Bank Account. Basically, everyone you interact with has an account with you. When you do something nice, you make a deposit in their account. When you do the opposite, you make a withdrawal. You don’t want to have a negative balance.
When you continue to withdraw money from a person it leads to fights, passive aggression, anger, and all these negative emotions.
When you inconvenience a stranger, you won’t make much impact on your own emotional bank account held with them, but you could influence their overall emotional balance.
That person’s balance could be so low from the events of the day that you inconveniencing them could be the last straw. But they probably won’t take it out on you (or maybe they will). If not you, they’ll take it out on someone else, probably a friend or family member. Someone who already has a low account balance with them.
You have more influence on other people than you realize. With seemingly small acts, you can change the course of someone’s day. You can make an impact on the emotions of others.
Wouldn’t you rather have a positive impact, or at least a null one on a person as opposed to a negative one, even if it is small?
Become aware of the choices you make. Determine whether or not you could’ve made a better choice in that instance. Learn to take others into consideration.
Every little thing matters.
Thank you so much for checking out this blog post, I truly appreciate it!
I hope you found some interesting ideas and perspectives on common courtesy that you can apply to your life.
If you think someone you know would find this topic interesting (or if they need to learn some common courtesy), please share it with them. Let’s spread positivity and help each other become more self aware and compassionate people.
Also, please check out some of my previous posts about all the things that make life interesting and worth living.
Peace out and good luck!
~Bryce, Expedition to Try
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