Do you find yourself continuously comparing yourself to other people? Comparing your job, paycheck, home, car, tan, and anything else on the long list of things someone else has that you don’t?
When you see someone else get a promotion, see someone else buy a new fancy electronic, or someone else go on a glorious vacation, do you feel a sense of jealousy, anger, sadness, or some other unwanted emotion?
Why is it that we have such a difficult time focusing on ourselves and not comparing who we are and what we have with other people? Why is “keeping up with the Joneses” even a thing and is there any way to break out of the cycle? Is there any way to just be happy and grateful for what we have and not waste time worrying about anyone else?
This idea came up in my recent podcast with my friend Jake Hill (you can check that out here) and it made me think more about it, so I wanted to share my thoughts.
Why we Compare Ourselves to Others
“… since kindergarten you’re moving up in linear steps with all these people, your peers, and you’re each making that bump for the most part… you’re always in the same area as your peers. Then you graduate and it’s different… some people are CEOs by the time they’re 25 and some people are just figuring it out…”
That’s Jake’s quote that really got me thinking. I had never thought of it in this way. I never considered the root of comparison being drilled into us because of school. When I think about it now, it makes sense.
From the moment we start school at 5 years old, we’re in an environment where everyone is in the same spot as us. Everyone is learning the same things, doing the same activities, and just trying to do well in school. While there is some variation as we get older like advanced classes, different electives, different clubs and activities, we’re all there for basically the same reason: to graduate.
In my eyes, when we’re going through school the comparison to our peers is relatively minor. We compare our grades to theirs, we compare our course loads, or the colleges we’re thinking about. It never seems to be anything crazy or life altering.
Then we graduate and everything changes. Everything is different.
Some of us go to community colleges while other’s go to Harvard. That person goes to trade school while others go straight into the work force. Some of us take a gap year to figure ourselves out while others start a business.
We all go our separate ways for the first time in our lives. With that comes our unconscious, or maybe conscious need to compare our life to that of someone else.
It’s hard to look at your classmate who just got an internship at Google while you’re staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the hell an ionic bond is. It’s hard to see someone getting engaged while you’re at a party getting rejected. It’s hard to see photos of someone on a beautiful beach while you’re scraping snow of your car.
To me, it’s this feeling of not being in the right place in my life. It feels like I should be doing more or I should be farther ahead than I am. Like I should be working for a big company making a good salary. I should be buying my own place and moving out of my parent’s house. I should be doing this, or doing that, be here, be there, have this, have that. That 23 year old does, so why don’t I?
You question your choices and path because you see all these examples of people you grew up with in drastically different places in their life. You see all these things that you could have or could be doing and you think you should have them and should be doing them because that other person is.
But doing this and having this mindset is nothing but detrimental to you and your life. So how do we overcome comparison?
My Relationship with Comparison
I was constantly comparing myself to others. My new mindset didn’t really come to fruition before a year and a half to two years ago. My negative and jealous thoughts were strongest around my junior year of college. This was when I decided not to go to grad school. I didn’t want to follow this “normal” path of getting a full time job.
When I made that decision, all I saw were examples of people finding great jobs in their field of interest or internships that would lead to one. It seemed like everyone else had it all figured out while I was just getting started.
I remember a specific example where I was at dinner with some family friends. One of my friends was telling everyone about his new job and apartment and I just shut down. While everyone congratulated him and asked questions, I fell into my aloof state. I felt nothing but sadness, anger, anxiety, and jealousy. I should’ve felt happy for them, but I couldn’t get past it.
It felt like I was so far behind. I had no clue what I was doing with my life, I was living with my parents, and was working at Five Guys just to pay for rent while I was in Binghamton. I felt completely lost.
Until recently, I constantly thought like that. My thoughts were based on emotions more than logic and reasoning. I won’t lie and say I don’t compare my life to other people’s. I slip up sometimes, but not as often.
Overcoming Comparison
Much like any advice out there, my process of managing comparison won’t necessarily work for you. That doesn’t mean you can’t try it though. It could be your first step towards figuring out your own process.
The key for me was to realize that my life and what I want out of it is not the same as what that person wants. My path is not the same as theirs. Comparison gets me nowhere and does nothing but make me feel mentally and physically horrible.
I began focusing on myself and finding ways to improve my mind and body. This started with investing time into learning about diet, nutrition, and exercise. Learning the ins and outs of macronutrients, bulking, cutting, calorie counting, all the muscle groups, and much more.
I started reading more about business and self-help. I find it helpful to see what other people have done in the past and apply it to my own life.
In this year alone, I’ve focused fully on figuring out what I love doing the most and what makes me feel the best. I’ve begun getting into the habit of meditating, I’ve tried breathing exercises, I’m learning how to cook, I’m switching to veganism, and I’m investing time into hobbies like painting as well as this podcast and blog.
In doing these things, I’ve grown happier with myself, mentally and physically healthier, and more confident in my path in life. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I feel much more optimistic that things will turn out well.
So the biggest piece of advice I would give you is to stop focusing on other people and start focusing on yourself. You have to live in this body and this mind for your entire life, wouldn’t you want it to be a place of love and positivity?
Start with your hobbies and the things you love the most. Invest more time into them, learn more about them, boost your level of understanding and appreciation for them. Then start branching out into other hobbies. try anything that interests you and don’t worry about failing, it’s inevitable.
From there you can try finding ways to feel healthier both mentally and physically. Learn the basics of nutrition and exercise then transition into eating healthier foods and performing simple exercises daily. Form new habits in the name of who you want to become.
Try your hand at meditation or breathwork. Don’t overthink the complexities of them, just give them a shot. Find guided videos or audio files on YouTube and Spotify and learn as you go. You can see the benefits in very little time.
It’s all about building up your self-awareness. Figure out what makes you happy, what makes you feel the best, and what makes you feel like shit. Learn to listen to your body, thoughts, and emotions, so you can easily avoid the things that spur negative emotions. Then you can focus on the things that make you feel great.
With that, you’ll find there are smaller things that can make a big difference. Not looking at social media as often has been a factor in my journey. Social media can be a great tool but it can also be quite debilitating if you’re using it incorrectly. Like Jake says, “don’t compare people’s highlights to your reality.”
The images you see on social media aren’t the full story. People post what they want you to see. They post the trips, the weight loss progress, the healthy meal, all the good things. How often do you see someone say they gained 5 pounds? Have you seen someone post all the failures it took to get that one successful business achievement?
If you decrease the amount of those posts on you feed and follow more people like Gary Vaynerchuk, Tony Robbins, and Tom Bilyeu, you’ll see a change in your overall attitude and mood.
When you start small and slowly, the rest will follow in due time. Self-awareness isn’t a quick process, but it’s an interesting one. Get to know yourself better than anyone in the world.
Be so focused on improving yourself and creating a fulfilled life that you have no time to compare yourself to anyone else.
Thank you so much for reading this post. I am truly grateful that you took the time to read my thoughts and I hope you found it helpful in some way.
As Expedition to Try continues to grow, I hope you choose to follow along with the journey.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends and family so we can spread positivity, optimism, and all improve together.
Peace out and good luck!
~Bryce, Expedition to Try
