There are times when you’ll feel like you’ll never make it though. You’ll feel as though nothing will get better and you’ll forever be sad. You will question every decision you’ve made, blaming yourself for every little thing. You may feel anger or resentment, think there will never be a point where you’ve moved on.
When life pulls the rug out from under you, how can you know with certainty that you’ll be ok?
I’m tired of people telling me I’ll be ok. The amount of times I’ve heard “you’ll get through this” and “something better will come” is astounding. No amount of hearing these things makes my days go by any easier. It is near impossible to believe that when I feel the way that I do. The hopelessness is sometimes crippling. The anxiety rips me away from the present. The future me that has made it through this and feels whole again seems like a fairytale.
My entire routine has been altered. My days look completely different. My thoughts consume me and I feel like I’ll never be able to go back to the way it was. So no, I don’t feel like I’ll be ok, but I know I will be. How? A few reasons.
I made it through yesterday. As difficult as the past few days and weeks have been, I made it through. They weren’t easy, there were moments of peace, but also many more moments of fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. Days I thought would never end eventually came to a close. Moments of immense pain came to pass. Through it all, I am still here, writing this blog. Just like all those days that have come to pass, there are more days ahead. I know they won’t always be easy, but I will make it through them.
I’ve noticed progress and made an effort to acknowledge it. Though it feels like nothing has changed, I know I’m not as bad as I was. Last week was one of the worst in my life and when I compare then to right now, I’m better, much better. There are still a ton of negative thoughts and feelings running through my mind and body, still so many questions left unanswered, and fears of what’s to come, but with time they have all lessened. They’re still here, but not as regularly or for as long as they once were. Each day brings fewer glances at my phone, less dwelling on the past, less desire for answers, more compassion and understanding, and more focus on self soothing and self worth. So no I’m not whole, but progress is being made and I’m making an effort to praise every little bit.
Everything is starting to become clear. This goes along with the previous one, but as my nervous system regulates, my rational mind gains traction. Questions arise, but the ego holds less weight. The answers no longer end with me feeling confused, sad, anxious, worthless, or idiotic. Instead, I understand what took place, I hold myself accountable, I don’t regret how it played out, I don’t wish to change the past, I understand the other perspective, I don’t let any of it tarnish my view of myself, and I focus on what I learned. With time I’ve allowed myself to feel my emotions and I give myself compassion. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, but I refuse to stay here. Now that my ego isn’t at the forefront, I still experience the negative emotions, but I’m certain they won’t last, because my focus has switched to how I can improve.
When you’re in the thick of negativity, it can seem like nothing will ever change. The weight you carry can drag you to depths you feel impossible to escape from. Every day can feel never-ending, like you’ll never experience peace again. As hard as these days are, you need to look within yourself for proof of better days to come. People telling you everything will be fine won’t mean anything if you don’t believe it yourself. The signs of progress in my life may not resonate with you. If that’s the case, make an effort to find your own. Search for any glimmer of hope within your thoughts and daily efforts. Find proof within you that you’re on the right track and you’re navigating your way out of this.
Don’t stop until you know deep in your gut that you’ll make it through this.
December 23, 2024
