I’m freaking out again. Freaking out about my job situation and what I’m supposed to do.
A part of me wants to keep living this “retired” life that I have been for a few months. The other part of me wants a consistent source of income.
In my desire to progress and keep working towards my end goal, I’m ready to take steps like moving out, but I can’t do that yet.
I’ve never wanted a job more than I do now. Not just any job either, but one I know I’d be happy in. Any time I search Indeed and see all the options, none of them interest me. I continue to come back to barista. But all my attempts have amounted to nothing but rejection.
Maybe the path towards my desired outcome doesn’t have a job involved. Maybe I’m supposed to continue living with my parents. Maybe the path I’m on is trying to push me towards saying “Fuck it” and doing my own thing.
I want to do my own thing. I want to continue building ETT, continue painting, and start building my own coffee venture. That’s not sustainable right now. These activities don’t pay the bills and it’s unlikely that they will any time soon.
All I want is something temporary to sustain me as I build myself and my passion projects. Something that will allow me to take the next steps in my personal development and give me a sense of comfort.
These thoughts continue to be my toughest to deal with. They come in waves and hit hard when they arrive. Maybe when I post this and read through it, I will be back to my calm mindset. Maybe everything will have worked out and I had nothing to worry about. That’s what usually happens.
I don’t know how all this is going to play out. That uncertainty scares me. All I can do is take it one step at a time. Be on the lookout for opportunities. Never let the anxiety stop my consistent habits of building my passion projects.
All I can do is keep the vision of my desired future in mind and have faith the world is working in accordance to that outcome.
February 11, 2022
