The past month has been an odd one.
Last night, I sat with myself to figure out what was so peculiar about October of 2026.
This is what I found.
The start of the month brought a tightness in my chest. I don’t often feel my heart’s beating, but it knocked forcefully upon my chest. I viewed the source of the knocking through the peephole to see if it was someone I wanted to let in. Hesitantly, I opened the door just enough to peek my head around and see what the knocking was all about. My heart seemed tired, like it was straining to keep up. As it spoke, it appeared overwhelmed and desperate for relief. It was running from something, it needed help, but it couldn’t find the words.
There’s a group of feelings I experience when someone on the street asks for money. A desire to help, but also a cautious refrain. The contents of my wallet flit through my brain – is a five too much? Too little? My breath catches as I search for words while this back and forth takes place in my mind. Finally, I apologize and walk past. More could’ve been done, but time didn’t allow for all the variables to be observed. Certain priorities, a set of morals won out over others. Now I face the consequences of not helping a fellow human in need.
My heart came to my door seeking help, but I didn’t offer it time to explain. Its exasperation was off-putting. Its reasons for distress were shallow and uninformed. Simply put, I wasn’t convinced of direness.
I shut the door.
The knocks ceased for a time, but eventually began reverberating through me once again. There was no point in checking the door, I knew who it was. The spaces between knocks told me how desperate my heart was. There were times of quick succession, long pauses but more powerful, some appeared lower on the door as if it was lying down but still making the effort.
The knocking became my soundtrack as I went about my business. Work, writing, routines, and relationships took priority. Either the knocking would cease or it’d fade into the background.
There were times when I went back to the door, but the pleas were always the same. Tired, overwhelmed, stressed, rushed, and ignored were the excuses my heart gave. “Whomp whomp” as my friend says. Responsibilities can’t be ignored out of tiredness. There’s shit we have to do whether you want to or not.
Closing the door always brought the same pain and questioning. There was more to the story, but I wasn’t offering my heart the time it needed to explain itself.
Last night, I opened the door all the way and welcomed my heart in.
Conversing with my Heart
Truthfully, I thought all this would be solved as it usually is, through patience, control, and routine. I discovered how wrong my assumptions were.
The conversation with my heart started slowly. We talked in circles for a bit and weren’t finding any resolve. There were many feelings stated, but there was something deeper that wasn’t showing itself.
The past month, I’ve felt like I was going non-stop, from one thing to another. There was a lack of time for myself where I could just sit in peace. Even when I did have free time, it was never enough. My days off were a blur. No matter how much I accomplished, it never felt adequate. Every evening, I came face to face with my choices of the day and I was never satisfied. The six hours of creativity were overshadowed by the two hours on my phone and thirty minute nap.
I’ve been reading Nausea by Jean-Paul Sarte. The narrator mentions a feeling that overwhelms him at 3pm each day. Douglas Adams speaks to a similar set of feelings he calls the “tea time of the soul”. On October 29th, I wrote this:
“Despair sets in at 7pm. At this hour, the day is done. Nothing more can be accomplished. Even after 6 hours straight of publishing my first magazine, as the clock hits 7, I feel I didn’t do enough. I despise feeling forced or obligated to do something – in this case, go to bed early. At work, I feel obligated to be friendly. Even though that is my true nature, the obligation tears me apart. I know it is always a choice – I can stay up late, I can be whoever I want at work, but the potential consequences are not worth it. So for now, I will face the despair the dark skies of 7pm bring and hope for another day.”
These thoughts and feelings weren’t always the case, which is why I’ve been so torn up recently. I’m doing all the same things, but they’ve felt different. I’ve been creating posts I’m proud of, but they aren’t enough. My discipline has stayed steady even with changing exercise routines. I’m sleeping plenty and waking up feeling well rested. It’s all the same, but it doesn’t feel the same.
“I am Sisyphus, but I am not happy.” is what I wrote the following evening. My life has been a routine, I have gained more control, more freedom, and accomplished a lot consistently, but the boulder rolls back down the hill at the end of each day. While I’m pushing the boulder, all I can think about is the fate I am to meet at the top. There is nothing new waiting for me and that’s dreadful.
On the same evening, I wrote, “Life has been feeling pre-determined lately. I can see the future and I have no say in it. I no longer feel I have a choice in anything…” All of my days were already planned out – wake up, work, see the same customers, experience the same emotions, control the same impulses, go to the gym, cook dinner, do dishes, make a smoothie, then 7pm hits and I try distracting myself from the dread of knowing what’s in store for me tomorrow – more of the same.
My days off were no different. They became flotation devices where I could hopefully rest my mind after trudging through work and routine. They started being overtaken by plans and my promise of time alone slipped away. The pre-determined life extended out by the week. There was no end in sight. I wasn’t even sure what an “end” looked like. Even when I had time to be alone and breathe, it never sufficed. My breath never reached its true depths for long enough.
All these thoughts and feelings were different from what I’ve experienced before. As I continued exploring what was going on inside me, I understood why the typical methods for working through these emotions weren’t adequate. If I felt stuck in a Sisyphusian routine, of course continuing the routine wouldn’t help. As I felt my grasp tighten on how I was feeling, I could then ask myself what I needed.
Regaining Choice
After dinner that same night I wrote about being Sisyphus, all these thoughts of chores I had to do ran through my head and I felt so much dread and anger. Instead of doing the chores anyway, like I usually do, I told myself they could wait till tomorrow. Instead of washing my dishes and making a smoothie, I sat on the couch and just focused on breathing. This weird thought kept popping into my head saying “Go sit on the roof”. So I did.
I climbed out my window, slowly moved the edge of the roof, and just sat there. My legs dangled and as I looked down, this dizzying feeling came over me. While the distance was only about ten feet, vertigo overcame me. I can’t describe it well, but in that moment, I thought I understood what Jean-Paul Sarte meant when he described this feeling of Nausea. This wave of relief washed over me and tears formed in my eyes. This was exactly what I needed.
It reminded me of Kierkegaard’s description of Anxiety – this feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff and realizing you have freedom. There’s this unsteadiness within you knowing that you could jump right now, even though you know you won’t. Anxiety is an awareness of freedom in choice, in every moment. Sitting on the edge of my roof reminded me that even though my life was feeling pre-determined, I always have a choice.
Without realizing it, I was thrusting myself into an unknown future and making decisions for a version of me that doesn’t exist. I’ve been removing my own ability to choose. I try so hard to live in the moment and go with the flow, but I wasn’t allowing myself to do that. When a party invite arrived, my brain was thinking it wasn’t a choice, I had to go, even though the party wasn’t for another three weeks. Having to work meant dealing with all the same emotions and impulses and having no choice but to be friendly. I dreaded work because I knew what was in store.
Now I’m trying to remind myself I still have a choice. If the night of the party comes and I’m disinterested or dysregulated, I do not have to go. At work, I do not have to be friendly, I’m choosing to be. There is no reason to distract myself from what’s going on right now by thinking about the future. That’s easier said than done, but I’m realizing how necessary it is if I want to feel at peace.
Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is an obligation. You do not have to do anything. You have a choice in every moment. You cannot make choices for a future version of yourself that does not yet exist. Any number of things can happen in a matter of a few hours. I’ve experienced this truth enumerable times in my life. All this worry and fear overwhelms my days as I try to figure out what I’m going to do in the future, then the day comes and I realize I had nothing to worry about at all, that the choice was easy. There are choices you need to make right now, in this moment. Let that future version of you choose for themselves.
Final Thoughts
The key takeaway I’d like this blog to express is how important it is to start listening to your emotions and figure out your needs.
I thought at this point in my journey, I had experienced all the turmoil I would have to face. I believed the routine I’ve built would be the fix for any dysregulation. Genuinely, I felt I had most of this figured out and had gained a lot of control. But this past month has shown me how wrong I was and I’m grateful for it.
Who would’ve thought that the “fix” for my distress was to sit on the roof? How many people do you think are on the internet right now saying “If you’re feeling like Sisyphus right now, stuck in a routine, feeling like you’ve lost your free will, all you gotta do is go sit on your roof”? My guess is not very many.
Your emotions and your needs are infinitely unique. There is only one person who can reach the depths of what you’re feeling and why. There is only one person who can listen to everything you’re thinking and feeling, understand it fully, and put words to it. There’s only one person who can take that understanding and ask what you need right now. One person can hear that need and make it happen.
You’re it. Other people can help you, but the depths you can achieve on your own is substantial. Find a therapist, a friend, a parent, anyone to talk to you about what you’re feeling. The more perspectives you can see your emotions from the better. Every time you see a quote, hear a song lyric, or have that moment of, “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel right now”, puts you one step closer to understanding what you’re feeling. When you understand what you’re feeling, you’ll know exactly what you need.
Maybe today, when you’re at work, and the tiredness starts to kick in, you need to go into the back and knock out 45 pushups.
Perhaps when you start feeling like Sisyphus, you just need to go for a walk.
You’ll never know what you need if you never ask the questions.
November 1, 2026
