Where does your self-determination end? When it comes to the opinion of others, at what point do you stop making decisions for yourself? It’s hard to remove the anxiety we feel over our perception of ourselves in other people’s eyes, but I think it’s a muscle we can build, a habit we can unlearn. In this blog I’m going to share my thoughts on self-esteem, confidence, other people’s impressions and why they shouldn’t concern you. I hope to encourage you to make choices for yourself, not for others.
As always, I don’t have all the answer, but I hope my expedition to try finding them inspires you to start the search in your own life.
Self-Determination and Self-Esteem
Self-determination is the ability to know what’s right for you and your needs. Self-esteem is your confidence in who you are and the choices you make. We all have a strong sense of both of these, but for many of us, they’re buried under fear, anxiety, and false impressions.
As I think about these concepts more and more, I find it difficult to describe the feelings inside my own body. I desire the ability to convey these feelings in a concrete way because I want you to understand and apply them to your own life, but it usually doesn’t work that way.
I want you to imagine the last time you had a gut instinct. Feel that moment in your body right now, as best you can. I think we often associate gut instincts as signs of danger, but I’m realizing I feel them with healthy choices too.
That gut response has become my guiding light recently. That feeling to me is like my being. Jesus, this is gonna sound so odd probably… When I feel that, it’s like my body telling me exactly how I’m supposed to act in the moment. When that happens, I can either go against it or listen to it. I have no doubt we all have this ability and I think the reason we lack self-determination and have low self-esteem is because we fight our gut instinct more than we trust it.
When we act against the gut, we experience anxiety, sadness, and other negative emotions. Doing this is like telling your body it’s opinion doesn’t matter. When we act according to our gut – our true nature – we experience more positive emotions. Doing this is freeing. There’s no inner turmoil or questioning, it just feels right.
I’ve been learning to listen to my gut, trust my instinct, and act accordingly in all instances. To start building this faith in myself, I started small. I started with the shoes I wear.
Drawing the Line
When do you stop making decisions for yourself and instead base them off someone else’s perception of you? Of this list, which choices do you make out of worrying about how you’re perceived?
The shoes you wear, your clothing, your hair style, your car, your job, the way your breathe, how you eat, your coffee order, your gym routine, what you read, how you talk, what you say, your home, how you furnish said home.
Really sit with these things and see which causes a little fear or anxiety when you think about it. Be honest with yourself and think of what decisions you make solely because you want to and which you make with regards to how you’re perceived. Like if someone came up to you and said “Your shoes are stupid as hell” would you think “I don’t care what you think. I like them” or “Aw man, guess I need new shoes”?
Where do you draw the line?
In my eyes, you can’t make some choices for yourself, but not all. There is no difference in these things to me. Why are you assigning more value to one than the other? If you don’t care or even consider what other people think about the car you drive, you have no reason to care about how they perceive any other decision you make. That is, if you want to be confident in who you are.
The Confidence to be You
There are going to be people who accept you for who you are. There will also be people who do not. You can choose to try to impress everyone or you can be as true to yourself as possible and let the right people find you. Which sounds better?
There are two options: You spend your life making choices for others, wearing clothes you don’t like, obsessing over appearance, driving a car you don’t like, working a job you hate, never speaking your mind, feeling unfulfilled, unmotivated, timid, and wondering why you have no passion or motivation. Or you can “fuck that shit” and live for yourself. Wear what you want, do what you want, say what you want, and be who you want. Live a life you actually care about and feel passionate about, not because other people like it, but because you do.
My biggest fear when I started this journey was coming off as an asshole, but you know what I discovered? I’ve built a strong, solid foundation of morals and values through Stoicism and just through how I was raised. This foundation, my guiding principles are innate and meant to be trusted. When I release my anxiety, my hesitation to follow my gut decision, this foundation takes over and guides my decisions. I never have to worry about offending someone, being inconsiderate, or obnoxious because I’ve built the habits and mindset that limit those things.
Sure, there will be times when I say or do something that someone doesn’t like. It is not my job to pander to the emotions and opinions of other people. I’m not disregarding my impact on other people, I’m just not putting them above myself. I have faith in my foundation and know my intentions are genuine and never malicious. In the case someone doesn’t like my choices, I know I can handle their backlash. If they express their discontent, I listen empathically, then determine my next step in the moment. I know I can change my habits if I determine something I’m doing is no longer aligned with who I’m trying to be. Someone saying something tells my rational brain there’s a habit I need to consider and adjust if necessary.
You know who you are, it’s just buried under fear. I believe it’s possible to release this fear and anxiety. To have the confidence to be you. I believe this because I’m doing it, slowly at first, but rapidly becoming easier. Trust your guiding principles, Believe in your foundation. You know exactly who you are right now and the choices you want to make. You just need to trust those choices and have faith you can handle how the world responds, because more often than not, no one gives a shit.
The Hard Part
Now that you found your line, you’re gonna try to break past it. You can do this is slowly as you want. Whatever it takes to prove to yourself that no one gives a shit about your choices.
Here’s how I think about it – if I can wear the shoes I want and no one cares, why can’t I wear this shirt? If no one mentions the shirt, what’s stopping me from going out with messy hair? No comment on my hair… maybe I’ll have a small chat with that barista today instead of just ordering and leaving. Wow I was able to chat with them no problem, maybe I’ll share my opinion on that project at work finally.
If you can make one choice without worrying about someone else’s perception of you, you can make every choice. No one gives a shit about what you’re doing, not for any more than a couple minutes at most. The clothes you wear have no impact on their life, your “bad hair day” is the last thing on their mind. So if you can overcome one hesitation, you can work on them all and make confident decisions that align with who you are.
Start where you’re stuck. If there’s a shirt you want to wear, but feel that hesitation, wear it today. Hair doesn’t look how you want? Don’t put a hat on, go out just as you are. Good song playing at the gym that makes you want to groove? Do a lil dancing. Want to say something but stop yourself? Say it.
When you feel the gut hesitation, do it anyway. You’re probably going to feel uncomfortable, but pay attention to how other people react. Spoiler – you probably won’t notice much of anything. That’s why I suggest you start small and make simpler choices that scare you a little. When you do these things and realize no one says anything, you train your brain and help it understand no one cares. Eventually you learn most of your choices don’t cross the mind of anyone else.
Final Thoughts
If you’d like to start living the life you want to live, start with the shoes you wear. In order to make big decisions without worrying about how other people perceive you, you have to start with the small ones.
When you’re making a choice and sense a battle between your gut and anxious mind, follow your gut. Your body is trying to guide you and make your life simpler, but you’re making it difficult. A lot of the choices you make are not as important as you think, but you’re adding value to them by worrying about how other people will respond.
You know who you are, what your style is, what you want to learn, and who you want to be. You just need to have a little more faith in your bodies ability to choose for itself. Build this faith by starting small and noticing how little other people care.
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February 28, 2026
